Disclaimer: Any or all of the words in quotations are the words of the inebriated. The author does not necessarily share these viewpoints. In fact, some of them are down right retarded.
Last night, I went to a house party here in the fair city of Dickinson. It was my last night in town for a few weeks. This, of course, isn't out of the ordinary. It would probably be a little more rare to say that there were parties, we skipped them, and were home in bed by nine. But it's not the party itself that's so special. It's the intoxicated individuals and their bright ideas.
All right. So when everyone had arrived, we started a wild game of Zoomie Zoomie. There were two of us not drinking, and so the ones that were graciously offered each of us 1/4 a can of coke left over from mixing their own. ("Miss Hydrated!" one of them kept yelling at me.)
Of course, you quickly tire of Zoomie, and move to Categories. This is kind of where all hell broke loose. Everyone was yelling (at each other) and the hostess was standing all wobbly on a chair telling everyone to "just shut up and listen to me!" while another girl grabbed her around the waist. I don't know if she was scared she was gonna fall, or trying to hold herself up. I got to make a rule, and so I chose my favorite, the Moose rule. I like to tell the drunkest kids when I am going to do it so they don't have to be last. Usually, their reaction time is slowest anyways, but I feel a little more right with God.
To protect the innocent, or rather the guilty, I have decided to leave out the stories from Never Ever Have I Ever. Just know that if my first sex story ends even remotely close to "And then I woke up naked and confused" I will be extremely upset.
The rest of the game is a blur. Not because I am drunk (remember the coke) but because nobody else can focus long enough. People start shouting. Next thing I knew, this guy has a boner, a girl is screaming about it and covering her eyes, and his girlfriend is looking at him going "Well yes you do!"
Another girl finishes her drink and is thoroughly intoxicated. She goes to the bathroom and they mix her another, shouting, "Let's roofie her!" (Knowing these guys as well as I do, I can say with 50% confidence that they wouldn't have.) They mix her drink with Bacardi 151. The girl comes back, says, "I don't wanna be roofied." and takes a big drink. (Not a smart move) She starts coughing and passes it to someone else who gags too. Not to worry, as it didn't take someone long to spill the drink. "Ohmigod its burning my legs! What did you put in there?!" Who knew that Bacardi 151 could double as paint thinner?
Soon, five people go and lock themselves into the stairwell. They got considerably quiet, except for a minor thump against the door every once in awhile. We all knew what was happening but didn't know what was happening all at the same time. Soon a girl comes running out of the stairwell, sort of frantic, yelling "I couldn't do it! I just couldn't do it!" She flops onto her boyfriend's lap. He even seems mildly concerned when he asks her what the problem is. "They are making out with each other in there and I just couldn't do it!" Her boyfriend now looks completely confused as he answers, "Well that's good."
It was a fun night, however. I am way sad to see them all go, even though I don't know most of them more than a couple of parties. I have a real job in Fargo. But it's nice to know they will be here when I come home.
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