Thank goodness we arrive at the party, because warning signs are starting to flash in my head. Ha, you'd have to be an idiot to miss them. ("Do you put out?" "Will you come home with me tonight?" "I quite like you...I have a large bed") And it wasn't just me. He was saying all these things in front of all my friends. I figured I could sneak away from him at the party. Some of the party-goers start hot tubbing, and since most of them didn't have swim suits, a few of 'em stripped down and sat in their undies. Including Euan. Who then made some creepy comment about seeing a Scot in his shorts on the first date. I just want to know what I possibly could have done to convince Euan that we were on any kind of date.
So okay. I'm inside, hiding from Euan, and things slowly start to spiral out of control. I sneak out to the garage where Christa and Brad are playing some kind of tag game. This turns into a 5 person photo session, and the next thing I know, there is a large, frozen 10 pound fish on my shoulder. The guy holding it giggles and says, "Don't you like fish?" Who keeps fish in their freezer with scales on? Obviously the garage isn't a safe zone. I keep looking.
I'm now sitting on the living room floor. Troy is telling anyone who will listen about Euan. Nobody still really knows who he is or why he was so intent on coming to the party. He didn't know anyone at the wedding. As if he heard his name, Euan comes over and asks for a ride home. Noticing that a friend of mine was crashing in her bra and undies with a towel over her in the living room, I decide it's best to get him outta there. But not alone. And now the living room isn't safe. So I go out to the deck.
Christa is trying to put the hot tub back together and ends up falling in, still dressed in her satin dress from the wedding. She informs me she just needs to pout for a minute. Okay...I go back into the kitchen. Someone has burned a bag of popcorn. There is thick dark smoke in the entire kitchen. Something similar happened to Christa, Troy and I when we were seniors in high school. Troy remembers this and shouts, "Christa!" Christa thinks she is getting blamed for the bag, which is actually still smoldering, and starts yelling, "Oh sure...blame it on me because my mom's the home ec teacher! I didn't do it!" It gets set next to a mess of all the food in the fridge that someone had mixed together on a plate. And I mean everything. There is even uncooked rice in this plate.
Back to the living room. I'm sitting at Steph's feet, begging someone to come with me when I take Euan home. I don't do that alone. Two guys come by, wrestling each other. I'm a little bored, and so I half-heartedly move the lamp out of the way. I start getting kicked and so I try to move. Boys. We keep talking and it takes about a minute for us to realize that one of the guys is turning blue. It's a real fight, in the middle of the living room. And we weren't at just a college house. Someone's parents lived there, so there was quite a lot of nice things around. They start pulling the guys off each other, and one promises to take his buddy, who had attacked the host, home.
So whatever. Still not taking Euan home. I wish he would have been in the fight so we just could have kicked him out. He starts making comments to my friends about "what a good couple we would make." Troy, bless his heart, tells Euan if he attends the next wedding, he will find him an easy girl who likes foreign guys. Euan says no, he'd like me, thanks. What the f. I convince Troy to ride to Euan's hotel with me. We are about to leave when the host comes in with an f'in knife and is muttering, "Sorry I got outta control. I just gotta kill him." So the other guy apparently didn't leave, and is about to get murdered in his parents' bed.
Shit's about to get real. I start gathering my friends to ALL come with me. I'm trying to convince Christa that we gotta leave. In the background, I hear, "LET'S START HIS CAR ON FIRE!" Christa is disagreeing. She would rather stay and clean the house, which is now one giant mess. I hear Jon say, "That's not his car...that's Luke's car..." So at this point, they don't even know WHICH car to start on fire. I gotta get mine outta there before they build a bomb and put it in the trunk. Euan motions at Christa like she can't hear him, and says, "Right then, should I just pick her up and carry her out with us?" I forget about the problem at hand for a minute, and tell him, "Try it." I wish he would have. I have no doubt what Christa would have done.
Throughout all of this, two of our friends missed it. Landon was snoring in the corner chair. Eventually, Steph stole his blanket. She was cold, and he didn't know the difference. Always the classy man, Landon was passed out in his tux from the wedding. And Tom? Well, Tom never made it to the party. He passed out on the drive over in Jon's car. So we left him, windows rolled down. Euan was worried he was dead. Euan's an idiot. He was still breathing, and could be woken up.
In the end, all my friends decided to stay at the party, except for Amanda. Somehow everyone forgot that the host was threatening arson and homicide, and that Euan was riding home with me. Til I left, of course. Then I got text messages saying how worried people were that I was gonna be attacked. Luckily, Amanda rode the whole way with me while I kept repeating, "I'm not sleeping with you" over and over til he got outta my car. Even when he tried to get tricky and say, "Just come in and we'll drink a bottle of wine." Even more luckily, the boys decided it was a misunderstanding, and that arson doesn't really solve anything.
It's a wonder that one of us wasn't killed or jailed.
No comments:
Post a Comment