I love people who are mildly to moderately intoxicated. Even some who are severely…hey, what can you do, they are having a good time, and chances are you are going to get a big hug or something of that nature from them, so you might as well grin and bear it. Some of the best lessons you learn are from people who are at least 1 ½ sheets to the wind. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the infinite wisdom of the inebriated.
(All of these are true stories…names are left out to protect the drunk…chances are, some of them didn't even know they said this)
Contrition. "I'm sorry I've been so mean to you." "You haven't been mean to me." "Oops. Never mind." The only other part of this lesson yet to be learned? If the other, sober girl doesn't know you've been talking about her behind her back, probably don't mention it. Needless to say, I laughed at both of them.
Generosity. "Lindsey, do you want a lawn penguin?" While it took me a few seconds to process this, I quickly figured out that this lawn penguin had probably already been purchased by someone else, and was about to be stolen off of a lawn. "[Name], you put that penguin down!" "Oh it's great! You're going to love it!" I now own a lawn penguin. He rides in my trunk and goes by the name of "Perry."
Consideration for others. "I'm going to help you finish that drink, because you are drinking it slow, and the others are going to laugh at you, but I won't." Also known as my first experience with a screwdriver. It became a game when I could walk by her, and say, "They're coming! Drink some!" I had way more fun giving to her then drinking it myself.
Thankfulness. "I owe you...what can I give you for driving me home?" "$10?" "How about a SPANKING!!" When did that ever become a good idea? I would like to point out that I managed to talk her out of it and got a hug and kiss blown at me instead.
Chastity. "If you value her virginity at ALL, Lindsey, you will take her out of that party!" If I value it. Not only am I supposed to squelch any drunken romance, but take her out of the party too? Well, suffice it to say, this one ended with her holding on to the railing, yelling, "NO!" and my (also drunk) guy friend holding her on the waist yelling "YES!"
Lovingness. "[Name], can I have my camera back?" She misinterprets me completely, and takes my hand. "I like you." "I like you, too." "I feel like we should hug." We do, and nearly miss knocking the camera onto the floor.
Fitness. "I don't think I'm feeling anything...let's have a race around the block." They come back ten minutes later. "The block got long. So we walked to the end and back instead of going around."
Attention. "I'm just going to close one eye...I can see you so much better when only one of them is open." Good logic, I suppose. I don't know if it actually improved her vision from 4 of me to 1, but she kept doing it, so it must have made a little difference.
Morality. "If I steal these shirts, am I going to hell?" "No, just take them, we'll ditch 'em later." Okay, I admit it. I led her astray and I was sober and should have been responsible, but we ended up putting them in front of two other girls' doors, and it made for a great story later. Plus the idea in and of itself was kinda funny.
Attachment. "Lindsey, are you leaving?" "Yes, it's after 3...I'll call you tomorrow." "Lindsey, no! I don't want you to leave!" "I will call you tomorrow, we can hang out." "Lindsey! please no! I have to work! I won't see you again!" Do you have any idea how hard it is to leave one of your best friends crying on her bed? I don't see her often the way it is, and she was way upset. I have this difficulty of separating drunk truth from sober truth.
Trustworthiness. Okay, I'm not going to give a story for this one, it would really infringe on the drunken admissions of friends, but it's funny how a little bit of liquor suddenly makes everyone close confidants. But I say, keep 'em coming. I absolutely love drunk texts. They are kind of like a word scrambler. If you feel the need to wake me up at 3AM because you're intoxicated, please do.
Moderation. Hahaha! Who am I kidding?
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